Sober
by babydykecate
Summary: Femslash. A follow up of Intoxicated. CO. Warnings: Description of Child Abuse
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** Ok, to be continued or not to be continued, that is the question. I must warn you, my muse is fickle and fleeting at the moment, though all the Christmas presents and cookies may bring her back so I can catch her. If you are a limer (a fan of Casey), I'm doing a project on Limer culture for sociology... and I was wondering if you all would be kind enough to participate in my survey... you can find a link at my forum, Babydykecate's Images for her Fanfic. Thanks to Kerry for her feedback on this story, and for being my angel. Je t'aime avec tout mon coeur. Cate.

* * *

As her heart wrenching eyes followed me talking to Simone, it was then I realized I loved her. I loved the good that rose from the bad, that her pain made her compassionate to a fault. 

After the case, there was unspoken change between us. She was afraid of how I saw her now. I kept my distance, in fear of revealing my foolish heart. So, the next time we really spoke was several months later at Solero, the small wine bar we would go to occasionally for a girl's night out. I found her sitting at the bar, staring at her drink.

"I want this drink for the wrong reasons, and I can't bring myself to touch it."

My response was almost unintelligible as I sat down beside her, "Why?"

"My mother… it's the anniversary of my mother's death."

"Did she die from this?" I say pointing to her drink.

Her voice is even softer than my 'why', "yes."

"How about we talk instead of drink?"

"'kay," she says as she reluctantly follows me into a booth.

"What do want to talk about?" I ask.

"I don't know, whatever," she responds, her voice hollow and dejected.

"Umm..." I struggle to think of a conversation topic that won't upset her, "So were you a cheerleader or a loner in high school?" Simultaneously scared of the image of Olivia in a cheerleader outfit... and distracted by the same image... her legs in those tiny skirts... bad Casey, bad.

"Loner... you know, with my mom and all... I didn't feel much like getting close to people." She says with her voice breaking.

"So, did you date a lot when you were young?" I say, trying to change the subject again.

"Ya, pretty much the way I do now. You know, very short, less time to break your heart," she replies wth a soft smile. "I still remember my prom date though, Adam, he was a jock, star of the football team…"

"And?"

"Well, he was handsome, and he kept asking…" She looks at me, as if weighing her options. "And all I could think about that night was… this girl." She eyes me for a reaction, then continues, "I was petrified of my feelings and decided that surely dating Adam would change them. At prom, we were dancing, and there was this guy dancing alone and really getting into the music. Adam turns to me and says, "What a fag." The comment hit way too close to home. Before I could think, I slapped him and said, "I think I can find my own way home. I left the school, and walked for a while, trying desperately to gather my thoughts. I strived so hard to be normal, to get society's approval, I didn't feel ready to give on all that yet. I didn't want to see myself as one of 'them'. 'Lesbian,' I couldn't even say it. I made friends with the gay guy dancer, and many more later, but I never allowed myself to ever think about my feelings for girls again. I've had a few one-night stands with women, but I always excused them as just a mistake I made when I was drunk. I really don't know why I am telling you this," through most of the monologue Olivia has been looking down and blushing profusely. Now she looks up, her face full of fear and disbelief, and then looks down again, "Maybe I am tired of forgetting my feelings…I don't know…anyway…"

"Olivia, I knew this girl when I was 14. One night we kissed, and well, it meant nothing to her and everything to me."

"No one else knows…" she trailed off.

"No one else needs to."

At this she smiled, "Maybe someday, someone will be worth everyone knowing."

"I hope it's someday soon." At this she blushed and looked flustered.

Then, out of nowhere, she says, "You know what was the hardest thing about my mom? Knowing she could never love me the way I wanted. Knowing I would look for that love, that attention, anywhere. Being afraid that it would make me vulnerable for others to hurt me. And so, I try not to love, or to allow myself to be loved. That's why I never allow anyone to get close."

"Olivia, I will treasure whatever closeness you give me."

"I trust you more than I like," she says with a faint smile.

My face is serious, "I won't betray you."

She mouths, "Thank you."


	2. Chapter 2

Why do I always forget this thing? argh.

**Disclamer:** Dick Wolf's an ass, because he won't let Olivia come out. Oh, and he owns the SVU characters, too.

**Pairing: **Olivia/Casey.

**Warnings:** Femslash, mention of emotional and physical abuse.

**Spoilers: **Burned and Intoxicated

**Author's notes:** According to one of the maps I found, the 16th Precinct shouldn't be too far from Central Park. If you guys remember anything from the show that contradicts this, I apologize. So I just got power after almost 2 days without... maybe the falling trees scared my muse back here... who knows. I start my first university classes on Tues, but I'm only taking 2, so I'll try my best to update a little faster. My thoughts go out to anyone else else suffering from the storms, and anyone who's getting them soon. Cate.

* * *

I don't know why Olivia and I are the way we are… stubborn, tough… sometimes lost and distant. Being around her isn't about giggles and girl talk, and that doesn't bother me in the least. Our connection is impossible to explain in words… a knowing smile, a laugh just for me… how she knows my favorite coffee from the brand, Maxim's of Paris, to the fact that I only drink it black. We aren't together if that's what you're thinking…of course we have incredible chemistry, but also the inability to take the first step. Why? I don't know… fear… scars from the past… the million things that mean we prefer to wake up without anyone on the other side of the bed. Excuses really. I've lost count of how many years ago we spent that night in the bar, but it's still vivid in my mind. However, I still wasn't expecting to find Olivia slumped near my office door when I returned from lunch with Branch (the king of lunches that go on and on...). 

"Warrants?" I ask, wondering why she didn't call instead… or interrupt my lunch (as she's been know to do).

"No" she replies. Her voice is hollow, and it scares me.

I sink down to the door next to her. "What?"

She won't look in my eyes. "Valerie." It's soft and barely choked out.

"The case with the ex-husband who lit his wife on fire?"

"Umhmm."

I sit there for a minute, debating what to do. Despite her physical closeness to me, she is so far away, twisting and struggling with her thoughts. Then I remember my first days on the squad… that damn case, and I remember how I coped.

Without saying a word, I go into my office and retrieve two pairs of running shoes and hold one pair out in front of her. She finally looks at me, and then takes them. We sit in silence as we pull on the shoes. I get up and she follows me. I lead us toward Central Park, sprinting lightly as we dodge the ever-present tourists who don't know how sidewalks work in New York (hint: movement is key). We finally reach the park, and I find us a path with only the rare nanny and stroller. We run hard, pushing ourselves as much as possible. One of my shoelaces comes undone and I grind to a halt. Olivia jogs back to meet me as soon as she notices. I fumble with my laces, stress and exhaustion making it a nearly impossible task.

"Casey… stop. I'll do it," Olivia says, the mother voice in full use.

I sigh, but allow her to do it. As she finishes tying them, she looks deep in my eyes.

"Her screams."

"I know."

"No, you don't. You can't. They haunt me."

I don't want to say it… she's going to run away… in my shoes too… "Did they remind you of other screams, Liv?"

Her body tenses. I can tell she really wants to run. She doesn't though. She plays with my laces instead. After a minute of silence, she murmurs, "Umhmm."

"Whose?"

"My mom's. She'd cry out in her sleep. I'd try to wake her, but you couldn't usually when she was drunk. If you did manage to, she couldn't tell the difference between reality and the nightmare, so she'd thrash and scratch you. So I learned to let her sleep… and it hurt to hear her in that kind of pain. I'd try to just tune it out and sleep, but usually her screams bleed into my dreams. So I only slept when she was away at the bar- which was dangerous because it left you unprepared to fight back when she returned, or I'd sleep only on the nights when she was too drunk to dream…"

The way she trains off, I can tell there's something more… but will I push her too far if I ask? As I mull this over, she suddenly gets up and begins running again. I quickly get up and chase after her. "Shit" I think to myself.

"Liv?… LIV, wait!" As I chase after her, yelling, I realize I have to take the risk. As soon as I get in earshot, I yell at her, "Who else's screams, Liv?" I run faster, getting closer and closer. My skin is becoming wet, and I realize it's rain as well as sweat. As the rain goes from spitting to a downpour, I can hear Olivia's breathing becoming heavier. I'm finally right next to her. I grab her arm, adjusting my balance so we both don't topple over. My firm grip on her arm forces her to slow down with me. As we finally stop, my hand is still grasping her arm tightly. I turn her to look at me.

"Whose screams, Liv?"

She looks at me with this "Fuck you" look, but my eyes don't budge from staring into her and my hand is still tight. "ME! Ok? **ME**!" she shouts, her voice shaking with anger.

"You?" I ask softly, my eyes tearing. It's not pity either.

"Ya, me. The first few times she punched me, grabbed me, slapped me… humiliated me. I was too stupid to know it wouldn't do any good, that no one was going to save me," Olivia says her voice hard and bitter.

My voice, my face… they are so close to how they were in the bar when she told me how she wanted to kill her mother; except now I see it more. "It wasn't stupid Liv. I wish someone **had** stopped her."

"I stopped screaming after a while… what was the point?" her voice is fading now back to that distant one.

"Do you honestly think it stopped meaning anything after you stopped screaming?" I demand. She eyes me, her emotions rising again… I've hit a nerve.

"Olivia, you can't keep escaping our feelings when you don't like them. I've tried, I've tried so hard… but it doesn't work… they are still there… fighting you from the inside out. **Feel**! Feel pain, feel anger (my voice softens from it's previous 'pissed at the defense' tone)… feel **love**. Just feel. You don't get to choose what happens to you in life, but don't give up on living it because of the past. Don't you get that she'd win if you close yourself off from everyone who cares? Don't let her steal the best part of you… your heart… that awes me so with its compassion. Don't let me lose you to her…"

She looks at me, shocked at my words.

"Yes, Liv. Me. I need you. I need you here. I don't care if you're angry or scared; I just need you here with me. I really will take whatever closeness you give me, but I won't let you run away from me. Please?" I ask as tears run down my face, running into the water droplets. "Stay?"

She gently raises a hand to face and wipes away a tear. "I guess I could stay for a little while…"

I put out my hand for her, and she takes it. We walk slowly back to the precinct, my head resting on her shoulder. I think for a few minutes about how we can explain why we're soaked to the guys, but then I realize it doesn't really matter… Liv is finally holding my hand.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Notes:** Thank you so much for your great reviews. This chap is a wee bit fluffy… sorry. Sorry also for taking so long to update, I just started university classes. Cate.

* * *

Plink. Ponch. Plliip. As the dripping women enter the squad room (no longer holding hands), nearly the entire room turns to look at them. Casey and Olivia's death stares frighten all but their friends into nervous busy work. 

"You're soaked," Elliot states.

"Yes…" Olivia says as she gives him a quizzical 'duh…' look.

"Where were you guys… the Hudson?" Munch asks with a chuckle.

"Ya, we were trying to get away from you," Casey replies.

"Aww, you know you love me…" Munch says with a grin.

"Yes Munch. You're my 'special' friend." Just as Casey punctuates her rebuttal with a smirk, Cragen's door flies open.

"People… Do I have to watch you like 3 year olds? Why aren't you working?" Cragen admonishes.

Plink. Ponch. Plliip. Cragen notices the sheepish looking Casey and Olivia.

"I don't want to know…" He says with a sigh. "Just go and clean up and then go back to work… And the rest of you- if you keep acting like you are going to finger paint your DD5's- I'll sent you on an all night surveillance with Munch… on a case with political undertones. Work people… Holiday sweaters and candy cane earrings just don't suit me… so don't make me your kindergarten teacher." With that he slams his door.

"What? I'm not that bad…" Munch demands.

Everyone else just sighs.

…………………………….

"Casey Novak, I'm leaving right now."

"You're already in the dress."

"Don't remind me… I still don't know how you got me in it."

Casey just smirks.

"Hey! You just wanted to see me in a dress…"

"It was Alex's idea. She said ballroom dance would help relieving stress."

"So is golf, but you didn't wake me up at 5 in the morning and make me wear white shorts…"

"The dress is definitely a plus…"

"For the love of God… Casey, stop ogling my legs… we are in public."

"Just be glad I didn't take Serena's suggestion of having us both go undercover as pros."

Olivia turns a bright red. Casey takes advantage of Olivia's shock to pull her into the dance studio.

"Ladies and Gentlemen please find a partner," a tall, skinny woman with blond highlights instructs. She wears the kind of bright colors that lead you to think it might still be the 80's.

"You're mine," Casey says with a grin as she grabs Olivia.

Olivia gives her a look.

"Okay... Gentlemen, I want you to put your right hand on your partner's shoulder and your left to hold her right hand. Ladies put your left hand on his shoulder."

"Casey, you better enjoy this, because you may no live much longer," Olivia says, glaring as they get into position.

"Now you want to make sure that you push against each other. You want to feel some tension."

Olivia presses hard against Casey. "You are so dead."

"I'd believe you more if you weren't staring at my cleavage Liv."

Olivia turns red again.

By the end of the lesson, Olivia has proved she has quite a knack for it… well, when she's not complaining…

As Olivia walks Casey to her apartment door, Casey quips, "How we are all prepared to go undercover as a ballroom dancing call girls…"

"Casey Nov-" Olivia sputters before her mouth is captured my Casey's soft lips.

Olivia returns the soft kiss. "Good night Casey," She says with a gentle smile.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note:** Despite my frequent bashing of Munch, I want everyone to know I think he is one of the funniest men on the planet. Apologies ahead of time for a very long tirade about lesbian gifts… oh and if the-connecting-word-thing is too hard to read, review or pm me and I'll change it. To clear up my crazy little game of bringing characters from all over L&O lesbian heaven… Alex is Alex Cabot (Olivia's and her past will be more thoroughly explained in the next chap)… and Serena is indeed Serena Southerlyn. I must warn you this is one of those fics where every available woman is a lesbian. Thanks again for the fab reviews :). Cate.

* * *

Olivia ran her fingers over her lips. She had the urge to smile- and then it hit her. "Fuck. What the hell are you going to do, Olivia? You aren't a 'long walks on the beach kind of girl'. You have short relationships that don't mean much to you- WITH MEN. Okay… so there have been a few women… Olivia Benson! Alright…. More than a few… but Casey… I could fall for her… Shit. Man, I can't let the guys find out about this… they'd crucify me…. Dear lord, please stop the image of John Munch singing, "Olivia and Casey, sitting in a tree, K.I.S.S.I.N.G…" 

…………………..

"Look at that guy's hair, Liv. Talk about needing to start a national 'wear-a-hat-to-work-day'…." Elliot remarked as they said in the car, waiting for a suspect to emerge… an outcome that seemed less and less likely as the hours wore on.

"Umhmm," Olivia replied, her eyes intently staring at nothing out the window.

"Liv?" Elliot asked.

Olivia's head slowly turned to face him.

"You seem really distracted today… you need to dump a guy again?"

"El!" Olivia said, verging on a whine. "I am not that bad!"

"Uhh… whatever," Elliot replied with a smirk.

"It's not that… it's nothing."

"Does 'nothing' look good in jeans?"

Olivia wanted so badly to linger on that image. "Ehh, I'm just debating what to buy Serena for her birthday…" Olivia said, trying desperately to change topics. She knew that the mere mention of anything 'girly' would end Elliot's probes. Olivia found that often, she didn't have to know much about 'girly' stuff, just as long as she knew the key words.

"Well, if you get stuck, I'm sure Kathy would love to help you out."

"I'll keep that in mind. Thanks El."

"No problem."

Olivia sighed inwardly. "Crisis averted," She thought. Then she amended, "Well, at least for the mean time."

…………………………..

Olivia sat at her desk, flipping through her paperwork without really absorbing anything. Elliot and Olivia's wait for the suspect had been in vain. Fin and Munch had caught the suspect when he revisited the crime scene they were combing thru. Olivia was tired… and yes, distracted. Her thoughts circled around the dazzling Casey, and her conversation with Elliot. "Dumping guys… 'nothing'… a soft kiss… Serena's birthday… Oh shit.

Serena's birthday is this Saturday, and I still haven't bought a gift. The lesbian gift. Lesbian's are so hard to shop for… they always read so much into each gift (they are women after all). For instance, you give guy a tool set… "Oh thanks, I really needed that." You give a lesbian a tool set… "Do you think I'm butch or something? Well I could be…" or "Are you saying I'm not butch enough?" or Olivia's favorite, "What? You think my old tool set isn't good enough?" (Though to be fair, she's heard guys say this too). The worst gray area of gifts though is the 'does-this-mean-you-want-to-sleep-with-me-?' gift.

First there's the obvious- no perfume or lingerie for anyone who is not your lover. Then comes the friend-or-lover classifying game. No jewelry unless it's 'friend jewelry' (less expensive and/or less ornate/detailed… and no hearts or diamonds at all costs!). Then there are 'friend-not-lover-chocolates'. There's 'yes-I'm-your-friend-no-I-don't-think-your-fashion-taste-sucks-or-that-you-are-fat-clothing'.

Then there's flowers… which entails hours of looking up meanings of flowers that seem to contradict each other… or going to your friendly gay florist (who you kind of hope/dread is a gay guy… because lesbians are so hot when they talk about flower meanings that it takes all the strength you have not sleep with them and actually make it to buying flowers… or maybe that's just me…). And don't get me started on cards… (Especially because they don't make a 'yes-I'm-just-your-friend-Happy-Birthday-even-though-we-had-a-fling-a-few-years-ago'card…).

Which is why you should never be surprised when all your lesbian friends give you gift cards and greeting cards with lame lesbian jokes, or 'those-cards-for-straight-guys-with-the-hot-clicks-on-them' or of course the plain 'Happy-Birthday-there-you-go-what-more-do-you-want-?-you-still-got-more-than-my-mother-who-by-the-way-set-me-up-with-a-guy-again-last-week' card.

Ya, lesbians are also good at distraction, because after 15 minutes I still have no gift ideas for Serena. Ehh, I'll call Alex and ask her what she's getting her."


	5. Chapter 5

Author's Note: WWP happened, Conviction happened, but it's all slightly AU. Thanks GraeLeigh3 and everyone else for your great reviews. You guys keep me determined to keep writing thru any writer's block. Cate.

* * *

"Hey Alex, it's Olivia."

"Hey, what's up?"

"Well you know how Serena's birthday is this Saturday?"

"Know? I'm doing most the planning!"

"So what are you giving her?"

"I thought about candles… but they are too easily boring or romantic…"

Olivia suppresses a snicker.

"I'll probably get her a gag law gift- and please don't try that, Liv-"

"Hey!... well I guess you're right…"

"I know I am," Alex replies with a laugh.

Olivia suddenly had an image of all her friends and Casey gathered together… and how she'd lose every argument to their lawyer gang.

"Liv?"

"Ya, sorry… you were saying?"

"I think I'll get her the gag gift and probably a good bottle of wine."

"I think I may have an idea now of what to get her- don't worry, I won't get her wine as well."

"Good… so I'll see you at 'The Ruby Stiletto' at 7?"

"Her birthday is at a lesbian club?"

"You didn't know? Ya, I thought that since she had such a hard time when Assia broke up with her last month and all… you know… that she might need some cheering up… and some cruising…"

"I think she might too. So I'll see you at 'The Ruby Torture-Shoe', Al?"

"Liv!" Alex scolds Olivia while laughing. "Bye hun."

"Bye sweetheart."

………………..

"Olivia and Alex. So you're dying to know the history there right? We always were flirting… but once again there was that inability to act. I was so afraid of actually caring about someone that I pushed her away… and then in an instant she was gone. I had been so close to falling for her completely too. When she got back, so much had changed. Thankfully the guy-marriage thing didn't last too long, but we just couldn't go back to the way things were. She's found someone now… she won't tell me who… but she smiles wide whenever I ask… I guess it makes me sad and happy at the same time. I loved her in the only way I could, a-I-care-so-much-about-you-but-I-still-can't-handle-the-idea-of-waking-up-next-to-you way. And I feel a loss for what we had…but she's happy now… and so I am too."


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: **Sorry for the delay, thanks for the awesome reviews. Blames a certain girl who calls me sugar for the fluffiness of this chap… Must get to class. Cate.

* * *

"Caseey!" Olivia whines as she comes out of the bathroom. 

"What?"

"Its too low!"

"You're the one who called me."

"I wanted help picking out an outfit… not for you to realize Serena's idea of dressing me like a hooker!" Olivia fumes as she eyes the tank top Casey had her try on. It doesn't come close to her idea of suitable clothing to wear in public.

"This is what everyone wears to clubs, Olivia… it's not my fault you look so hot in it."

"You are so not helping," Olivia says with a sigh.

"_Come on_. You know you like it when I say you look hot, and you most certainly fill out those jeans nicely…"

"Casey! We are leaving right now! Door! Now!" Olivia orders.

"Fine," Casey replies in a huff. As she heads toward the door, she mutters "spoilsport…" under her breath.

Olivia's years of police interrogation have trained her to catch every word said. "I'll get you back," Olivia says with a mischievous glint in her eye. Olivia brushes against Casey as they descend the stairs, sending chills down Casey's back.

Casey does her best to compose herself. "I can't wait," she retorts with a smirk.

"Oh, you'll be begging for mercy, Counselor." Olivia says in a husky voice that makes Casey's breath hitch in her throat.

Casey, however, is seldom at a loss for words. "Well detective, I should warn you- my bite is even worse than my bark."

Olivia's eyes are seductive and amused, with the slightest hint of danger. "Well Miss Nov-" Olivia breaks off as she realizes they have reached the lobby. She can see the taxi waiting thru the glass double doors. She strides forward, and opens the door for Casey, "After you counselor."

"Glad to know you've found a way to merge acting like a gentleman, and finding an excuse to stare at my ass, Detective."

"Club, Casey. Just wait until we get to the club," Olivia warns.


End file.
